5 Reasons to Consider Short-Term Relationships | Mickey Z.

Photo: Ryan McGuire (Gratisography)

Mickey Z. -- World News Trust

Aug. x, 2018

Love at first sight. Soul mates. Made for each other. Happily ever after. 

We’re conditioned to set and subsequently accept absurd standards that guarantee failure… or at best, ensure a stifling amount of daily compromise. But hey, what else can we do? After all, no normal person wants to be alone… right? (I’ll address that specious belief in a future article.) 

Actually, there are many evolving options. One of which is short-term relationships. Sure, we live in a hook-up culture but that’s not what I mean. For the purposes of this listicle, a “short-term relationship” is something much more than swiping right yet far less than “till death do we part.”

5 Reasons to Consider Short-Term Relationships

1. The Majority of “Long-Term” Relationships Aren’t “Long-Term”

The divorce rate is steady at 50 to 55 percent — and that’s just for first marriages! It’s far higher for anyone who walks down the aisle a second (or third) time and then there’s the unexplored issue of non-married duos. It’s impossible to keep reliable numbers on the sustainability of co-inhabiting couples but research leans towards a higher separation rate for those who choose to not make it official. This is likely the case, since ending a marriage is usually much more bureaucratically complicated, socially embarrassing, and prohibitively expensive.

Translation: Even if you crave long-term, the odds are against it.

2. Short-Term Relationships Usually Mean Less Compromise and Unhappiness

At first, we put on our best face and grit our teeth when faced with adversity. But each of us intimately knows our own vast and growing list of shortcomings. We’re not easy to live with because we’re human and thus, by default, it means each of us is a bundle of neuroses and quirks, needs, demands, compulsions, and contradictions. 

We are all painfully and hopelessly flawed and virtually impossible to deal with on a daily basis. Beneath our public facades, we’re not the “perfect match” for anyone. In fact, long-term couples seem to go out of their way to find the tiniest reasons to get intensely annoyed with each other. Are there underlying causes for such pettiness? Perhaps, but again, most of us choose to not explore too deeply. 

Hence, long-term relationships require immense compromise. We must accept the inevitability of unhappiness — at least half the time — as a trade-off for longevity. If every interaction is colored with the knowledge [sic] that you’re together forever, this must dramatically shift the parameters of communication and tolerance. We learn to surrender many of our needs and bite our tongue when our partner does something to drive us bananas — for the 500th time. 

All day, every day, we’re choosing colors for the living room walls, dividing up chores, managing finances, helping kids with homework, figuring out schedules for driving those kids to soccer games and dance classes, planning vacations, pondering why our spouse chews so loudly, getting the oil changed, debating about which set of in-laws to see during the holidays, wondering what happened to our sex lives, etc. Each of these discussions is marinated in compromise and often, resentment. We become more like business partners, day care managers, and feuding roommates than the committed lovers we imagined we’d always be.

3. We Are Being Lied To 

It begins with fairy tales and rapidly progresses through traditional education, mainstream conditioning, pop culture, and now: social media, where our equally programmed friends share carefully curated images of their love lives and — try as we may — we feel ashamed for being so inept and dull compared to everyone else.

Everywhere we look and every message we get reinforces dangerous deceptions about love, marriage, and relationships. Therefore, if we don’t find a life partner, it must be us who failed.

We’re also lying to each other. As touched on above, we learn to nod and grin when we’re raging or crying or bored to death inside. With a goal of permanence hanging over our every move, we simply cannot be fully honest. So, we complain behind our partner’s back but day-to-day, we just go through the motions. Predictably, we regularly choose non-confrontation over clarity, passive-aggression over resolution. How else we will ever live up to our eternal vows and show the world just how happy we are?

4. The Only “Failure” is Staying in an Unhappy Relationship

We get guilted into the happily-ever-after trap. It’s considered odd if we stay single and shameful if we get divorced. Pro tip: Divorce isn’t failure. In many cases, it’s sheer logic. It’s self-care and self-love. It’s a clear-eyed acceptance of the reality staring us in the face. Take this as a ginormous hint that it rarely makes sense to enter into a relationship with the non-negotiable goal being: forever.

5. Sometimes, “Short-Term” Naturally Transitions Into “Longer-Term”

Imagine that… by taking it one step at a time, lowering your expectations, and doing the daily hard work, you will reap unexpected outcomes and results. 

On the Contrary…

To enter into a romantic relationship without blinders is to reject societal myths and to not blame yourself (or anyone) when the relationship inevitably ends. Short-term relationships lower the stakes without weakening the connection. You won’t take each other for granted because time is not on your side. Having a deadline of sorts adds the excitement of urgency to your words and actions. The concept of failure is a non-entity. You are present and mindful and feel no need to ever suffer in silence in the name of long-term sustainability and (alleged) compatibility. Consciously aiming for a temporary relationship creates more space to feel gratitude in each moment. Your love is no less “real” but maybe it's far more authentically expressed. 

Speaking of “far more authentically expressed,” a giant step towards breaking archaic relationship cycles is to get off social media. For those who stay, why not post honestly about your love life? Let others know that none of us have it figured out or ever will — and that’s got to be good enough.

Coda: No, not every marriage sucks and I’m not saying no one should ever get hitched or start families. What I am suggesting (to those with enough resources to do so) is that we exercise some self-love, reality, and common sense when it comes to relationships. 

Mickey Z. is the founder of Helping Homeless Women - NYC, offering direct relief to women on the streets of New York City. To help him grow this project, CLICK HERE and make a donation right now. And please spread the word!